Despite the feeling of overwhelming emptiness im ok. Right?

A lot has been ripped from me in the last few weeks. I guess in the last few years my mind has been ripped from me and im still sitting here wondering who the fuck stole it and when will I get it back. I sit here and wonder was the last year and a half a complete mistake. All I have are these memories and I dont know what to do. Im afraid to go back into a relationship that im almost positive will fall apart. Hope and dedication is even an option at this point. Moving on and trying new things is and I think thats what I need to do. It seriously crazy that my mind is on so many different levels thinking about so many different things with every breathe I take. There are a few things im looking forward to. Recording this new Suburban Scum record. Were going to the Machine Shop to demo on July 18th so they can get an idea of what their expecting for the actual record. Then on July 28th we go in for a week for the real deal. Recording wont take a week to record this EP at all but I'm almost postiive that this thing is going to sound very massive and next level. Weve been writing our asses off and this is what has come out since January. I hope people enjoy it. This weekend we leave with a car full of goons to Summer Of Hate in Ohio which I could not be more stoked for. Pretty stacked show with some surprises in it as well. My mind is dangerous and im the only one who can control it. Life isn't over its just begun. 

PS - This is the only album you need to listen to all summer. Shook Ones - "The Unquotable A.M.H." Thank me later.

Video Footage Of Said Show

NYC. DA BIG APPLE. 2 SHOWS ONE DAY. MOSH.

Went into the city to catch Iron Age, Mind Eraser, and Rival Mob on Saturday. I fucked up once again. I have this problem called loving sleep. This problem is easily defined. I love to sleep. The show was supposed to start at 3 and I woke up at 2. That left me an hour to shower and get into the city. Parking was a complete bitch. Nowhere to park whatsoever but what do you expect on a beautiful, sunny saturday afternoon. I ended up parking right in front of the venue after about a two hour trip into the city due to traffic which caused me to miss Rival Mob. That really bummed me out because no matter how hard I try to catch this band I always fuck up. Whatever their not breaking up so Ill have the chance in the future. Next band I caught was Mind Eraser. They absolutely floored me. There was something very genuine about their presence. DFJ gets so absorbed into this demon which is Mind Eraser. The energy was there and the crowd was into it. The only thing that sort of sucked was the sound at The Cake Shop (venue). That still didn't take away from how intense their set was. 

Also I am going to go out and say it. Iron Age is no longer a hardcore band. They are a rock and roll band in every sense of the word. Mic stand and echoing that sounded like the second coming of christ. Riffs that made me melt after the first song. If you haven't heard The Sleeping Eye LP then you are really fucking up. This record will brain wash you. Im not kidding. Ridiculous. Riff after riff after riff until your head literally cant take anymore. Perfect. They played a lot of off their new record and closed with Into The Void. Set ruled and they sounded perfect.

After this it brought me into the night. Show number 2. Same lineup except Rival Mob didn't play. Just my fucking luck but Im not going to complain for one reason, Mind Eraser. I haven't seen anything like this in a really long time. The second they started playing this place erupted. Its like the everyone in the crowd was mad for years and decided to let it out at this one set. Pure punishment. The set may have lasted 10 minutes im not really sure and it was one of the best performances that I have ever seen. I always appreciated this band but this weekend sealed the deal and made me firmly believe that they are Top Dogs in the game right now. Stage covered with blood due to people getting smashed and spitting up the insides of their lips. Excellent sound that really captured them as a band. Can not wait until I see them again. Mind Eraser. All that needs to be said about my weekend. My mind was truly erased.

photo's by Manny Mares

PACK UP MY THINGS AND GO

As the nights go on and the day's blend together you start to realize how wild life is. How quickly things can change and how much of a roller coaster it is. Up and down, left and right, with shit thrown at you in every direction. Its kind of hard to cope with everything around you. Especially when you try to mentally run from it. It's very easy to fake a smile and pretend like you don't care. On the other hand, it isn't easy to deal with the pain that builds up inside and the frustration. I realize that for the 21 years ive been living I have taken a lot for granted and basically took the point of life with a grain of salt. Ignorant and close minded I kind of walked all over everything that was given to me. Life isn't easy and I haven't taken any shortcuts to help myself out. You can only dig so deep until you completely bury yourself. I'll put it to you this way, with the way I have lived I've died 8 times and pulled myself out of a hole and I have one life left. That's the life that im living now. Pressure can really get to your head and turn you into someone you don't want to be. Depression and anxiety can affect everyday life so much that its almost unbearable. They say you can't go backwards and change things that you have done but god dammit I wish I could. It's seriously awful the way I ran my life and the things I put my parents through. I see the kids that I grew up with and the people around me doing the same shit for the past 6 years. Everyone gets so self absorbed into a routine that they can't pull themselves out of it. Do I want to change? Yes. What do I want to change? My rapid thinking patterns and my impulsive attitude. I throw away hope for anything way to fast and that brings me to a place where I really don't like to venture. If I only could figure out this long road I would pack up my things and go. Leave a dusty trail behind me and the ashes of a life that I once lived along with it. Ill hold my hand out to the ones that loved and to the others that begged I would fail will crumble in the long run. A new road and a new life. This is to the old memories that torture me and the terrible things ive done. New road hold high hopes as I pack up my things and go...

MONEY/THE ROUTE OF ALL EVIL

It's pretty insane how a piece of paper controls everything in the entire world. Looking around everything is controlled by it. It can make or break a person. Your whole life revolves around how much you make and what you spend it on. Your judged by it. People say money doesn't buy happiness and its the little things that count. I agree with this in a way. Little things really do matter to me. I'm not a materialistic person at all but imagine having no limits. You are free to go out into the world and spend cash on whatever you want, however much you want, and still live comfortably. That is seriously a dream and walking around NYC yesterday it seems like a lot of people are well off. Sure you see your occasional bum sitting on the corner with a sign that reads "I'm gonna spend your money on booze I'm only being honest" but looking into the sky you see these humongous sky rise apartments. Lofts that look beautiful with sky top gardens. Everyone decked the fuck out and eating at expensive restaurants. Guys dressed to impress and ladies in 300 dollar dresses. You have to work hard to get to where you want. It must be nice to live a day where expenses aren't a thought. You almost wonder how people live so freely? What are they doing with their lives that they are so well off? I can't wait for the day that I am truly financially comfortable in my skin. 

Last Lights "No Past No Present No Future"

Im sure you have heard a lot about this band due the the tragic passing away of frontman Dominic Mallary which occurred on December 30th, 2008. This record is a collection of everything Last Lights has produced as a band and it hits very close to home. The lyrics are very sincere and heartfelt. I wrote this band off for a while and I'm happy I finally gave them a chance. If you have spare time please sit down and check this record out. Read through the lyrics and become absorbed in it for the short amount of time that it lasts. Dominic was a great lyricist and these recordings will be passed on for a lifetime until hardcore and punk is dead. Its a shame I never got to see this band live. I wonder what would have come of this band if he didn't pass away? All I can say is that he will live through these recordings and for a lifetime after we are gone. This is true hardcore with a true meaning and purpose. A band with something to say. A band that pisses on the land of the slave. Last Lights. R.I.P.

Why am I losing my mind?

So its been a while since I posted in this thing. A lot has happened between the time of now and my last post. The edge is still strong as shit. I've been riding my bike a shit ton. Still keeping active in the core. I also have been losing a ton of weight. Well not a ton but ive lost 20 since Ive stopped drinking. I was at 215 and I am now at 195. Id absolutely like to drop a few more pounds and gain some more muscle but that will come accordingly to how much I work out. Ive also lost another thing. My god damn mind. Lately for whatever reason I've wanted to be very alone. I sorta of feel very independent in a way. I do go out and hangout but I feel little or no emotion as of late. And if I do feel emotion its often depression. Depression can ruin a person inside and out and I know this isn't who I am at all. There's so many people and things in this world I often feel that I don't even exist. To most people I don't exist. I need a sense of direction and motivation and at 21 I can say the world is successfully swallowing me. Today I'm going to relax, sit back, and throw some music on. I haven't done that in about two or three weeks. That's how you know that I'm out of character. I seriously need to get myself out of this hole and get a grip. I truly am "Mentally Vexed".