Right now life is actually feeling really rough. Out of no where I feel a lot of pressure from every angle as If I'm being strangled by an army of my own thoughts. I have been thinking of ways to get my shit completely together but there's always a vice or something holding me back. Believe me I have a head on my shoulders It's just a matter of using it in a positive light rather than a negative. A lot of problems of my own that I need to squash before I can physically move on and be eternally happy. I'm not gonna say I am a depressed person by any means. A lot of the time people see me and I'm pretty open. I do have a lot of internal issues with myself. A lot of personal "beefs" (haha i just said beefs) that I would really like to get rid of. The only way I can do that is to change the lifestyle that I'm living. As of right now I'm 21, with no license or job. Now if that's not enough to eat you up then Jesus Christ I don't know what is. I owe all these lawyers and probation money from past mistakes which is also a ton to swallow because Ive learned my lesson by now but Uncle SAM likes his hand in my pocket. I have a beautiful girlfriend that I care very much for. That's about one of the only things that holds me together besides a few good friends of mine. I want to provide for her as much as I can and believe it or not we've been together for 9 months and I have up until now. Now its time to switch a few things around.
A lot of people in my family have had very very serious drug and alcohol addiction and problems with substance abuse. Me personally, yes I drink. I have clean urine besides that. Do I drink to much? I don't even think that's a question. Yes I do. I made a pact with myself in 09 that I was going to stay sober. Low and behold I made it 7 days and gave in. Those 7 days were honestly the only time in my life where I felt completely clean and semi- in touch with myself. After those 7 days the downward spiral began. I began drinking, again. Lost in all my emotions, again. Its almost as If I'm running from the things that I truly need to take care of. I love having fun but there's a point and time that you sort of have to draw the line before its too late. A lot of members in my family didn't know where to draw the line and now look. First cousins are heroine addicts. Father has to take the train to work because of DUI'S. Aunt who's addicted to pain medication and the list goes on. I really really don't want this to be my future at all. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. I may have a bit of a problem. Not so much alcoholism by any means. More or less binge drinking and not knowing how to control myself or stop.
I truly consider this a huge step forward in my life. I don't know why I had this epiphany this morning and the past week but i have. I really dont want to live my life like this anymore what so ever so I'm going to change it. I guess this is the time where I find out who the real friends are and who "the drinking bro" buddies are. Wounds heal with time and this time Im not taking the bandage off. Seriously all or nothing right now. I have my road test scheduled for this Wednesday and am practicing parallel parking with the one, the only, MIJ on monday and tuesday. Mr Cortez will be providing me a car for Wednesday. Ive already got on the job hunt. Planning on going back to school after the summers through. Suburban Scum is writing some ill shit and THE APOCOCOLYPSE (not scum shit at all) is coming in July. I have a good relationship that is being rebuilt day by day and is very strong. Summer is coming up and life is to be enjoyed and not completely wasted. I made this blog because I love writing in general and its very therapeudic. Why not? Ill constantly update this with progress, weekend reviews, show reviews, band reviews. Anything honestly. Its my blog not yours. Now is the time for me to rise to my feet. Wipe the spit from my face, whip the tears from my eyes. LOL get it. A HATEBREED reference. Speaking of Hatebreed, "Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire" may be the hardest record ever written. I stand by that. Kiss me.
-Bear
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