Despite the feeling of overwhelming emptiness im ok. Right?

A lot has been ripped from me in the last few weeks. I guess in the last few years my mind has been ripped from me and im still sitting here wondering who the fuck stole it and when will I get it back. I sit here and wonder was the last year and a half a complete mistake. All I have are these memories and I dont know what to do. Im afraid to go back into a relationship that im almost positive will fall apart. Hope and dedication is even an option at this point. Moving on and trying new things is and I think thats what I need to do. It seriously crazy that my mind is on so many different levels thinking about so many different things with every breathe I take. There are a few things im looking forward to. Recording this new Suburban Scum record. Were going to the Machine Shop to demo on July 18th so they can get an idea of what their expecting for the actual record. Then on July 28th we go in for a week for the real deal. Recording wont take a week to record this EP at all but I'm almost postiive that this thing is going to sound very massive and next level. Weve been writing our asses off and this is what has come out since January. I hope people enjoy it. This weekend we leave with a car full of goons to Summer Of Hate in Ohio which I could not be more stoked for. Pretty stacked show with some surprises in it as well. My mind is dangerous and im the only one who can control it. Life isn't over its just begun. 

PS - This is the only album you need to listen to all summer. Shook Ones - "The Unquotable A.M.H." Thank me later.

Video Footage Of Said Show

NYC. DA BIG APPLE. 2 SHOWS ONE DAY. MOSH.

Went into the city to catch Iron Age, Mind Eraser, and Rival Mob on Saturday. I fucked up once again. I have this problem called loving sleep. This problem is easily defined. I love to sleep. The show was supposed to start at 3 and I woke up at 2. That left me an hour to shower and get into the city. Parking was a complete bitch. Nowhere to park whatsoever but what do you expect on a beautiful, sunny saturday afternoon. I ended up parking right in front of the venue after about a two hour trip into the city due to traffic which caused me to miss Rival Mob. That really bummed me out because no matter how hard I try to catch this band I always fuck up. Whatever their not breaking up so Ill have the chance in the future. Next band I caught was Mind Eraser. They absolutely floored me. There was something very genuine about their presence. DFJ gets so absorbed into this demon which is Mind Eraser. The energy was there and the crowd was into it. The only thing that sort of sucked was the sound at The Cake Shop (venue). That still didn't take away from how intense their set was. 

Also I am going to go out and say it. Iron Age is no longer a hardcore band. They are a rock and roll band in every sense of the word. Mic stand and echoing that sounded like the second coming of christ. Riffs that made me melt after the first song. If you haven't heard The Sleeping Eye LP then you are really fucking up. This record will brain wash you. Im not kidding. Ridiculous. Riff after riff after riff until your head literally cant take anymore. Perfect. They played a lot of off their new record and closed with Into The Void. Set ruled and they sounded perfect.

After this it brought me into the night. Show number 2. Same lineup except Rival Mob didn't play. Just my fucking luck but Im not going to complain for one reason, Mind Eraser. I haven't seen anything like this in a really long time. The second they started playing this place erupted. Its like the everyone in the crowd was mad for years and decided to let it out at this one set. Pure punishment. The set may have lasted 10 minutes im not really sure and it was one of the best performances that I have ever seen. I always appreciated this band but this weekend sealed the deal and made me firmly believe that they are Top Dogs in the game right now. Stage covered with blood due to people getting smashed and spitting up the insides of their lips. Excellent sound that really captured them as a band. Can not wait until I see them again. Mind Eraser. All that needs to be said about my weekend. My mind was truly erased.

photo's by Manny Mares

PACK UP MY THINGS AND GO

As the nights go on and the day's blend together you start to realize how wild life is. How quickly things can change and how much of a roller coaster it is. Up and down, left and right, with shit thrown at you in every direction. Its kind of hard to cope with everything around you. Especially when you try to mentally run from it. It's very easy to fake a smile and pretend like you don't care. On the other hand, it isn't easy to deal with the pain that builds up inside and the frustration. I realize that for the 21 years ive been living I have taken a lot for granted and basically took the point of life with a grain of salt. Ignorant and close minded I kind of walked all over everything that was given to me. Life isn't easy and I haven't taken any shortcuts to help myself out. You can only dig so deep until you completely bury yourself. I'll put it to you this way, with the way I have lived I've died 8 times and pulled myself out of a hole and I have one life left. That's the life that im living now. Pressure can really get to your head and turn you into someone you don't want to be. Depression and anxiety can affect everyday life so much that its almost unbearable. They say you can't go backwards and change things that you have done but god dammit I wish I could. It's seriously awful the way I ran my life and the things I put my parents through. I see the kids that I grew up with and the people around me doing the same shit for the past 6 years. Everyone gets so self absorbed into a routine that they can't pull themselves out of it. Do I want to change? Yes. What do I want to change? My rapid thinking patterns and my impulsive attitude. I throw away hope for anything way to fast and that brings me to a place where I really don't like to venture. If I only could figure out this long road I would pack up my things and go. Leave a dusty trail behind me and the ashes of a life that I once lived along with it. Ill hold my hand out to the ones that loved and to the others that begged I would fail will crumble in the long run. A new road and a new life. This is to the old memories that torture me and the terrible things ive done. New road hold high hopes as I pack up my things and go...

MONEY/THE ROUTE OF ALL EVIL

It's pretty insane how a piece of paper controls everything in the entire world. Looking around everything is controlled by it. It can make or break a person. Your whole life revolves around how much you make and what you spend it on. Your judged by it. People say money doesn't buy happiness and its the little things that count. I agree with this in a way. Little things really do matter to me. I'm not a materialistic person at all but imagine having no limits. You are free to go out into the world and spend cash on whatever you want, however much you want, and still live comfortably. That is seriously a dream and walking around NYC yesterday it seems like a lot of people are well off. Sure you see your occasional bum sitting on the corner with a sign that reads "I'm gonna spend your money on booze I'm only being honest" but looking into the sky you see these humongous sky rise apartments. Lofts that look beautiful with sky top gardens. Everyone decked the fuck out and eating at expensive restaurants. Guys dressed to impress and ladies in 300 dollar dresses. You have to work hard to get to where you want. It must be nice to live a day where expenses aren't a thought. You almost wonder how people live so freely? What are they doing with their lives that they are so well off? I can't wait for the day that I am truly financially comfortable in my skin. 

Last Lights "No Past No Present No Future"

Im sure you have heard a lot about this band due the the tragic passing away of frontman Dominic Mallary which occurred on December 30th, 2008. This record is a collection of everything Last Lights has produced as a band and it hits very close to home. The lyrics are very sincere and heartfelt. I wrote this band off for a while and I'm happy I finally gave them a chance. If you have spare time please sit down and check this record out. Read through the lyrics and become absorbed in it for the short amount of time that it lasts. Dominic was a great lyricist and these recordings will be passed on for a lifetime until hardcore and punk is dead. Its a shame I never got to see this band live. I wonder what would have come of this band if he didn't pass away? All I can say is that he will live through these recordings and for a lifetime after we are gone. This is true hardcore with a true meaning and purpose. A band with something to say. A band that pisses on the land of the slave. Last Lights. R.I.P.

Why am I losing my mind?

So its been a while since I posted in this thing. A lot has happened between the time of now and my last post. The edge is still strong as shit. I've been riding my bike a shit ton. Still keeping active in the core. I also have been losing a ton of weight. Well not a ton but ive lost 20 since Ive stopped drinking. I was at 215 and I am now at 195. Id absolutely like to drop a few more pounds and gain some more muscle but that will come accordingly to how much I work out. Ive also lost another thing. My god damn mind. Lately for whatever reason I've wanted to be very alone. I sorta of feel very independent in a way. I do go out and hangout but I feel little or no emotion as of late. And if I do feel emotion its often depression. Depression can ruin a person inside and out and I know this isn't who I am at all. There's so many people and things in this world I often feel that I don't even exist. To most people I don't exist. I need a sense of direction and motivation and at 21 I can say the world is successfully swallowing me. Today I'm going to relax, sit back, and throw some music on. I haven't done that in about two or three weeks. That's how you know that I'm out of character. I seriously need to get myself out of this hole and get a grip. I truly am "Mentally Vexed".

An update for once in the last month.

Well the edge is still strong for all you doubters and naysayers. Life has been a bit difficult lately honestly. I've done tons of cool shit since the last time I posted but it seems that my mind has gone adrift lately. I can't really control my thoughts and I seriously bug myself out. Pretty much all over the place with no center ground to stand on. You ever see a richter scale? That's been my brain for the past two weeks. Maybe its the fact that the world is so huge and there's so much to do in so little time. You literally have everything right in front of you. Its a matter of conquering and pursuing what you want. Some days I think "damn am I fucking crazy?". It's seriously so all over the place as of late. I'm not gonna label myself as a manic depressive or bi polar or any whacked out shit like that. I'm pretty sure everyone these days is a couple cards short of a full deck. I mean look around you. The world's going a little coo coo. Finding inner peace is really hard a lot of the time especially when you want to and need to. Don't fight a thing and let your emotions get the best of you. Just roll with the punches. Easier said than done I know. But seriously each day that you live is another day you wont have. I don't want to regret a day that I live. And the way I have been lately isn't living. When I'm out with my friends or with my girlfriend I'm generally at peace. When I'm alone I'm a train off its tracks. Really weird. I guess my mind is really dangerous and I'm self destructive. Time to get out and do something positive today. Working out and getting a grilled chicken wrap from Mario's Pizza. Pretty siked cant lie. Pushing forward. Pushing forward. Pushing forward.

The Edge Is Strong. !0 Months And Running. G.O.G.

Well today marks me being completely sober for a month. No foul shit has entered my body except a few fast food joints and some soda. I cant lie at this point I feel like I'm physically on top of the world. When I was drinking I would get real bad anxiety and panic attacks. Basically cause I knew I was pushing shit away and fucking up. Some people say "wow dude big deal one month" but the way I was getting down to some that's a lifetime haha. Mentally I'm real clear. I have a lot of shit that I want to do in such little time. That's my one problem. I try to do too much at once. I'm a very stubborn guy. I feel disappointed and like i I failed if i don't achieve all my goals. Well there's  a lot that I want to do and I have to realize that their is a lot of time. I have to sort out in my own head whats important and what isn't at the moment. Take a step into reality and out of "dreamland" for a little while haha. On some real shit though. Very mental strong and physically strong. Its only going to get better. 1 month deep and nowhere near turning back. xxx.

Also yesterday marked the 10 months for me and April. Put that up on the charts. Count it. Its crazy to be with someone for that amount of time and still have it feel so fresh and new. This girl seriously melts me. We've been through more shit in 10 months than most people go through in two years and that only made the foundation of this shit 1000000000x stronger. When you get through all the petty shit and disagreements and typical "relationship ordeals" its all worth it. We have long distance relationship. She lives in Philly and I live in Jerz. We made that work without a hitch with neither of us having our license. Now we are on top. Seeing each other all the time since I got my shit. Going out. Having nice times. Seriously if you think for one second about giving up think if its really worth it to have that person out of your life for good. We love each other. It's evident. Tons of shit to look forward to. 10 months and going for gold. Cant stop us.

Last night I went out to my boy Wes house in Newark to get the official G.O.G. tattoo. A lot of people ask "what is G.O.G." Ill beak it down for you as simple as I can. It isn't alphabet soup or three letters just thrown together to stand as a crew or a gang. It's more or less a family. G.O.G= gods own gangsta. It means no matter what you have put in front of you in life you have the power to overcome it. You are your own god. You depict your path in life and let your mind decide where you want to be. When you deal with so much bad in your life good is bound to be waiting around the corner. KARMA. G.O.G. is a group of people who have all been dealt a shitty card somewhere along the line and help one another out to stay positive. To see light through the dark. To be there for one another when shit gets thick. Its not a crew or gang but, it is a positive movement that I feel very strongly about. So before you go off and flap your lips we all have nothing to prove. Were not flexing our muscles or saying we have one up on anyone. We do our thing. You do yours. A positive revolution is on the horizon like it or not. Its only growing.

-Bear G.O.G. xxx

Check em out- not for that faint at heart 

www.myspace.com/razorbladehandgrenade

THE STRAIGHT EDGE

Now ever since I stopped drinking a lot of people say "yo youll have a beer one day and thats okay" and this and that. I honestly don't nearly see that day in my future at all. People ask "so what are you straight edge now" and Ive basically replied "I guess you could say that". There was never a day where I sat down and said yes now im straight edge. Now im apart of something. It was a choice that I made for myself in order to move forward. Sort of a way to separate me from the life that I was living and its giving me power to push on. In no way, shape, or form to I look down on people who drink. I was looking down on myself and the way I was living and wanted to change that. Id say personally I was straight edge the day I decided I truly never wanted to have a drink again or feel "fucked up". Lifes hard enough to figure out never mind that bullshit. You shouldn't put something into your body to relieve stress or have a good time. You should have the power and the mindset to do it yourself. It became a routine. Drinking was my vice. A weakness and something I needed to overcome. Cig's completely suck I never got into that. Weed is a complete joke. Ive experienced a lot in the book of narcotics and its all a joke and a cop out at least for me. I feel strongly about this and Im finally not fogged like I was. I know the direction I want to go. Life will go on but there's a difference. I will be on top of my own life and make the decisions I need to make. Physically Strong. Mental Strong. xxx. 

-Bear 

NBA 2K9

Well folks. Football season has been over for a while. Im not a huge videogame head by any means I basically only play sports video games. Madden season is done till summer. From what I hear MLB 2K9 sucks a big one. NBA 2K9 on the other hand is outstanding. The game play is very realistic. The graphics are superb. Its just an all around fun game. I can say that I am pretty much addicted to it. I really want to play right now. I don't own an xbox but a few of my buddies do. Im nasty with the Cavs. Come see me. Rent this game or pick it up if you haven't. Well worth the 40 bucks. 

WEEK INTO WEEKEND. TONS OF SHOWS. LOVE LIFE.

This week and weekend was fucking great. I saw a lot of awesome bands this week. First show being Zoroaster, Valens and Thundercoffin at America. Valens and Thundercoffin are two bands that you need to get into. Thundercoffin is something that you get very high to without doing any drugs at all. Riff high. Madden's brother is a riffaholic and Jeff Cannonball is the grim reaper. GDP is a beatmaster and Madden is a faggot. Mix all of this together and you have a good band. Valens is hell coming at you with tons of riffs. NJ is on top. Seriously. Decent turnout at this show but im gonna get into the most important thing. Zoroaster. Holy god damn shit. This was easily the loudest band that I have ever heard. As you can see in the picture I post above their guitar set up is ridiculous. This wasnt just a show it was a "show" if that makes any sense at all. They had smoke machines,  a light show, and played in the pitch black. Id say they are all in there 30's and cant be anything short of deaf. They were so god damn loud and it ruled for as much as I could take. Some of the bass tones honestly rattled my own brain. I had to leave the room with five minutes left in their set because my ears were ringing so much and on the verge of bleeding. Pretty sure they are headlining one of the days at Scion Fest. Pretty wild. I stumbled out of the tiny basement room and I believe I was trying to talk to people but could only yell. A good RTF get together none the less. Show ruled.

Saturday was Have Heart, Bracewar, Mother Of Mercy, My Luck, Rival Mob and Bad Seed in New Jersey at DA CHURCH. Show was packed to the fucking wall. Kids scattered from PA, NJ, and NY and a few other states for this one. Easily over 300 people there all together. Every band that I caught fucking ripped it. Not to many scuffles except some jerkoff in the back but that got taken care of immediately. Show went off without a hitch and proved that NJ is pretty much stronger than ever. Its good to see people from other states come in and get along with everyone and just show common respect for one another. Great times. The Stelton Church is where its at. Tons of mosh, stagedives, and love. Respect.

Today I took the trip out to Doylestown with SnakeV and Rotting Man. Pretty much the same lineup as yesterday except Pulling Teeth and Ringworm played. Yes Ringworm. I basically payed 12 dollars for this show just to see Ringworm play "Justice Replaced By Revenge" and they did and I got my moneys worth. Sucks they didnt play "God Eat God" but what can you do? I also wanted to catch Rival Mob really really bad since I had missed them on Saturday but I missed them yet again. Band is seriously so good. I will get around to seeing them. Mob Rules All. Show was real cool. Good vibes. Awkward at times during Pulling Teeth but that was only cause they played some new songs which I am very excited to hear on recording. They sounded pretty epic. 250 plus. Show was packed. Good Turnout. Its time to passout. Snow suxxx and prevented me from picking up my girlfriend in philly. I wanted to get rootbear floats with her and pull an all nighter but the roads are slippery as shit. Life is good to me. Keepin clear. Steering straight. 

-Bear

www.myspace.com/valensvalens

2 Weeks Sober Motherfucker

As I begin this long journey to stay clean it has done nothing but help me. Its great waking up in the morning and saying "hey I feel fucking great" rather than feeling miserable 2 or 3 times out of the week. Im honestly so excited right now because cutting it out cold turkey is probably the best thing that I could have possibly done. Now for one I wasn't an alcoholic by any means. I just liked to drink. A lot. I know for a fact I was a binge drinker for sure. Fuck it im not denial. I had a problem and im taking care of it. And to be honest I think It's just a cop out and shelled out who I really was for the most part. Its all ive known since I was like 16 and thats fucking sad. I personally dont want to waste anymore of my life. I don't knock anyone who drinks or does drugs or whatever. Hey its your world, live it. Im at the point in my life where that shit isn't for me. I guess I abused it so much that being "fucked up" just got real played out and corny. Life's been good to me lately. I just had an awesome rootbeer float and im pretty tired. Time to head to bed and let Deathcab For Cutie shut my eyes. Intervention Karebear is going as smooth as it can. FTW.RTF.

-Bear

Well this weekend was just a delight let me tell you. Friday was the ETOWN CONCRETE reunion at Starland Ballroom. Now I had very low expectations going into this show for a few reasons. Reason number one being that it was at Starland Ballroom and ETC draws some of the weirdest crowds known to mankind. Wiggers (me), Guidos, Rednecks, and a few hardcore heads. The lineup was completely stacked. ETC, Skarhead, Maximum Penalty, Billyclub Sandwich. Now I know it sounds like I picked that lineup but trust me I didn't. It happened. The show was nothing short of a blast. Worth every sent. Billy Club sounded soo damn full and heavy. Maximum Penalty was some groovey shit. New songs that are coming out on their Reaper release sounded very very tight. Now here comes Skarhead. Wow. They opened with "Juggernaut" and I was hoping they would do the whole song. They didn't but it was still quite the site. Im guessing EZEC was a tad late so they had to stall it for a minute after the intro. When he approached the stage his entrance was nothing short of classic. People went nuts. They brought all their goons with them and had about 20 people on stage. All the antics of a perfect skarhead set happened. Whipping beers off of the stage and all sorts of good stuff. Great set and probably the most fun set of the night. Now here comes ETOWN. They opened with TIME 2 SHINE and that got me siked. The whole set honestly didn't do to much for me due to massive amounts of push mosh from the freaks. Ive seen ETC more than I have seen any other band. Dont get me wrong I sang along to every song they played but Ive seen better sets by them. I lost my shit during the encore. Came back out and played "End Of The Rainbow". Their is still teeth marks in my hand. Sign of a good show. Got lost on the way home somehow even though ive been to this place a hand full of times. Whatever it happens.

Saturday was another good day. Me and april went out to breakfast and I proceeded to take her home because she had work. A good breakfast non the less. Then I drove back home and chilled in for a bit. Made a few basketball bets but nothing big and just stayed inside till about 1030. After I headed over to Joey YCs in edison where tons of wii and hangout happened. It was a really chill night and I got home at 3 am. 

Sunday Suburban Scum had a matinee lined up over at the VFW hall in Denville. We played along side our buddies in Pellinore and Dogpile. A good friend of mine Bobby filled in on bass. Kudos to him for learning the songs somewhat in one practice. We had a really good time at the show. The venue was pretty sweet. People moshed and moshed and moshed during our set. The walls got broken on both sides. One side was because of the kid who booked the show so I didn't feel as bad as I would have. Still corny though but what can you do. A kid standing on a table next us playing called us clowns and everyone moshing clowns. That was nice of him. I love being called a clown. Ill fuck him in his ass next time I see him since he had such kind things to say about us. Cause you know, I like fucking guys asses and stuff. Anyway long story short it was a good weekend. Woke up today and went to a great diner called Nifty 50s in Philly. Wild shit going on there. Then went up to north JERZ to chill with Ryan Fleshtemple aka (the biggest homo that ever graced this earth). He gave me records and chocolate and we had taco bell. Hes a filthy animal. Stayed sober as a mouse (dont know if mice stay sober) but i did. I feel great. Goodnight ladies and gentleman.

-Bear

FINALLY GOT MY LICENSE

Well well well, I finally got my license. I took my road test yesterday and passed with flying colors. i know its a little ridiculous because im 21 but hey fuck it. You have to start somewhere right. Honestly the feeling I got yesterday driving around by myself is the feeling I should have had at 17. It truly was worth the wait. My first drive was to a wonderful diner to meet up with some Edison goons. Got an awesome rootbear float. Then went back to another goons house and made some delicious food. Got home around 230. I plan on driving to Chicken and Rice in NYC today. Also still on that job hunt. Life will fall into place. I know the picture above isn't clear but fuck it you know what it is. 09 is mine.

Valentines Weekend/Matinee Review/I Suck

Well this weekend was just splendid to say the least. I picked up April on Friday from Metuchen and we headed to my favorite diner "Fountain Blue" which is always incredible. I got a grilled chicken wrap with french fries. Let me tell you. The french fries at this place are next level. Id consider killing someone for grabbing one off of my plate. Well probably not cause thats a little extreme but you catch my drift. April got breakfast, as usual. I swear this girl could eat breakfast 5 times a day and still crave more. Then we strolled home and cuddled the night away. Woke up Saturday and hung around the house a bit before me, her, and Mij went to a friend of ours, Kelsey's, at Temple University. It was a formal so everyone was dressed pretty smooth. Especially Mij in his cold world shirt and hair matted off of the side of his damn head. Needless to say I had a good time. Kelsey's roomate's were all really nice. Hooked it up with all sorts of treats and whatnot and breakfast in the morning. Cant beat that. Took april to a meeting in the morning at her work then headed back to jersey Sunday afternoon.

Once I got home I rushed around and hopped in the shower cause I wanted to make the show without missing any bands. The show was originally supposed to be Ensign, Torchbearer, Black Kites, Staring Problem, To The Fullest, and Plague Bearers but Torchbearer had to drop off due to the drummers lady having a baby. Congrats! Ensign dropped off because the drummer broke his hand the night before. You would think that the headlining band dropping off would effect the draw but it really didn't. 45 people paid and this place is pretty small so it looked packed. Good vibes and friends hanging out. Black Kites stole the show imo. You seriously need to see this band live before you write them off on the recording. Trust me. Jeff is a madman. Really fun to watch. Sounds like a 6 piece when in actuality its only a 3 piece. Staring Problem seemed to play a bit sloppy. Lots of energy though and the Presidents masks were funny. Plague Bearers surprised the shit out of me. The bassist weirded me out in a good way if that makes any sense. They played really tight. Looking forward to seeing more of them.

After the show I dropped dumbass Ryan Teal off and sped home cause I didn't want to leave april waiting any longer. Came home. Had dinner. Rested, layed around you know the deal. Straight chilled and there's nothing better. Woke up monday did the sammmmmeee thing and it still doesn't get old. I guess because we live so far away from eachother that doing nothing and just being together is enough to pass the time. Yesterday got a little messy but I had an off day. Wasn't feeling like me at all. Kinda zoned out and dumb but whatever. I can say i feel good now. I think this is the first weekend where i didn't text a soul and didn't pay attention to my phone like at all. And i still plan on doing that. I have no desire to talk to anyone lately. Just want to clear my head. Sober in 09. Come fuck with it.

Black Kites "Advancement To Ruins" Preorders

A brother and friend of mine has announced that Pre Orders for the Black Kites LP "Advancement To Ruins" are finally up. Do not sleep please. Album is off the wall and I mean that in ever sense of the term.

ridethefury.bigcartel.com/

www.myspace.com/weareblackkites

www.myspace.com/ridethefury

Life As I Know It. How Im going to change it. Why is this blog here?

Right now life is actually feeling really rough. Out of no where I feel a lot of pressure from every angle as If I'm being strangled by an army of my own thoughts. I have been thinking of ways to get my shit completely together but there's always a vice or something holding me back. Believe me I have a head on my shoulders It's just a matter of using it in a positive light rather than a negative. A lot of problems of my own that I need to squash before I can physically move on and be eternally happy. I'm not gonna say I am a depressed person by any means. A lot of the time people see me and I'm pretty open. I do have a lot of internal issues with myself. A lot of personal "beefs" (haha i just said beefs) that I would really like to get rid of. The only way I can do that is to change the lifestyle that I'm living. As of right now I'm 21, with no license or job. Now if that's not enough to eat you up then Jesus Christ I don't know what is. I owe all these lawyers and probation money from past mistakes which is also a ton to swallow because Ive learned my lesson by now but Uncle SAM likes his hand in my pocket. I have a beautiful girlfriend that I care very much for. That's about one of the only things that holds me together besides a few good friends of mine. I want to provide for her as much as I can and believe it or not we've been together for 9 months and I have up until now. Now its time to switch a few things around.

A lot of people in my family have had very very serious drug and alcohol addiction and problems with substance abuse. Me personally, yes I drink. I have clean urine besides that. Do I drink to much? I don't even think that's a question. Yes I do. I made a pact with myself in 09 that I was going to stay sober. Low and behold I made it 7 days and gave in. Those 7 days were honestly the only time in my life where I felt completely clean and semi- in touch with myself. After those 7 days the downward spiral began. I began drinking, again. Lost in all my emotions, again. Its almost as If I'm running from the things that I truly need to take care of. I love having fun but there's a point and time that you sort of have to draw the line before its too late. A lot of members in my family didn't know where to draw the line and now look. First cousins are heroine addicts. Father has to take the train to work because of DUI'S. Aunt who's addicted to pain medication and the list goes on. I really really don't want this to be my future at all. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. I may have a bit of a problem. Not so much alcoholism by any means. More or less binge drinking and not knowing how to control myself or stop. 

I truly consider this a huge step forward in my life. I don't know why I had this epiphany this morning and the past week but i have. I really dont want to live my life like this anymore what so ever so I'm going to change it. I guess this is the time where I find out who the real friends are and who "the drinking bro" buddies are. Wounds heal with time and this time Im not taking the bandage off. Seriously all or nothing right now. I have my road test scheduled for this Wednesday and am practicing parallel parking with the one, the only, MIJ on monday and tuesday. Mr Cortez will be providing me a car for Wednesday. Ive already got on the job hunt. Planning on going back to school after the summers through. Suburban Scum is writing some ill shit and THE APOCOCOLYPSE (not scum shit at all) is coming in July. I have a good relationship that is being rebuilt day by day and is very strong. Summer is coming up and life is to be enjoyed and not completely wasted. I made this blog because I love writing in general and its very therapeudic. Why not? Ill constantly update this with progress, weekend reviews, show reviews, band reviews. Anything honestly. Its my blog not yours. Now is the time for me to rise to my feet. Wipe the spit from my face, whip the tears from my eyes. LOL get it. A HATEBREED reference. Speaking of Hatebreed, "Satisfaction Is The Death Of Desire" may be the hardest record ever written. I stand by that. Kiss me. 

-Bear